New Year?

New year, 2017,

I do not want to cry and be depressed and sleep all day this year. I want to be happy and do things and have passion about the things i do.
Sadly i dont know how to do that. I dont know where to start or even what to do... When it comes to doing things.

Christmas holiday was a vacation for me. I both dont want it to end because i know whats waiting for me.. Along with exams... and I want it to end and I wanna get on with life again. And yet again unfortunately i dont have the passion or interest about the things i do anymore. Every day is the same as other. I hope to be okay when i am focused on my internship for one month or so but still, till then... And about the exams i will have, i have doubts and anxiety. Because i wasnt really able to function well last couple of months. It has been a downhill in some way but yes i feel like its gonna go up from now on, no i dont have hope but i just feel that way. Since i feel like it was the deepest point that i could be last couple of months. I hope i am right.

I am looking forward to living with my parents for a while again. Its not gonna be amazing but being busy and surrounded with them, i think it will help. I hope so. I missed my friends a lot. I missed meeting them and chatting and laughing uncontrollably. I just missed hanging around. Out and about. Hopefully i will soon, again.

But i also fear things. In my home country... Lets say its not going nicely. And i certainly dont want to be trapped in there. Or worse...

Anyway, i think its all for now. And i need to have dinner.

battle in mind

so, I have been getting through hard times lately. not necessarily very bad things but every person has their own demise in mind. i have been very stressed and unhappy for a while. then i was happy, it was a waiting period. for that period i was happy because i didnt have to think about everything. i didnt have to be tired and i didnt have to worry. i was just waiting.
there are some decisions in life that you need to make and you would know it will change things around. you wouldnt be sure if its gonna be better or worse, you worry what future will bring. even though you worry, you would have hope about future. you may even imagine happiness.
well i lost that hope. every time i want something in my life, it just doesnt happen. maybe its better this way, i dont know what my future has for me, and definitely not what would happen if those things happened. as we know its a wave effect. one thing changed, changes the following events. but i was just hoping to be more happy with that thing. when you calculated the odds, it seemed better. i just was hoping.
its not even my fault but i am the one victim. its just a bit my fault because i could have gone after it more but it seemed normal at the time to let things work and get things processed. maybe i should've asked earlier. but its not my fault and now i am stuck and my life will be in this certain way. i have serious doubts about being happy and even content. but i'll try to be because thats what humans do right? live. as simple as that.
i feel like everyone is happy but me. everyone has what they've hoped for in life and/or they are content with what they currently have. am i not a normal person? is something wrong with me? because i have serious trouble with life and being happy.
i'm grateful for what i have. but it just doesnt do it for me. it shouldnt be how it is. i know there are worse things. but my life is my life and its passing. i cant do anything about it. but i just wanna live my life happily. is that too much to ask? i am just so tired of these questions and thoughts. i'm really tired.

Once again.

She was happy for a week or two
Yet she cries once again
She goes to bed alone again
And cries her to sleep
Once again...

Some Nights

Some nights are silent
So silent that i hear my pain
The pain in my heart
Caused by the absence
Lack of you in my life
Makes me ache
Some times, i forget
I really do
But these nights
Silent ones, uninterrupted
They come in waves
Like Tsunamis
And i drown
Subside, sink to the bottom
The bottom of my feelings
And just wait for you
So you can take the pain away