New Year?

New year, 2017,

I do not want to cry and be depressed and sleep all day this year. I want to be happy and do things and have passion about the things i do.
Sadly i dont know how to do that. I dont know where to start or even what to do... When it comes to doing things.

Christmas holiday was a vacation for me. I both dont want it to end because i know whats waiting for me.. Along with exams... and I want it to end and I wanna get on with life again. And yet again unfortunately i dont have the passion or interest about the things i do anymore. Every day is the same as other. I hope to be okay when i am focused on my internship for one month or so but still, till then... And about the exams i will have, i have doubts and anxiety. Because i wasnt really able to function well last couple of months. It has been a downhill in some way but yes i feel like its gonna go up from now on, no i dont have hope but i just feel that way. Since i feel like it was the deepest point that i could be last couple of months. I hope i am right.

I am looking forward to living with my parents for a while again. Its not gonna be amazing but being busy and surrounded with them, i think it will help. I hope so. I missed my friends a lot. I missed meeting them and chatting and laughing uncontrollably. I just missed hanging around. Out and about. Hopefully i will soon, again.

But i also fear things. In my home country... Lets say its not going nicely. And i certainly dont want to be trapped in there. Or worse...

Anyway, i think its all for now. And i need to have dinner.

battle in mind

so, I have been getting through hard times lately. not necessarily very bad things but every person has their own demise in mind. i have been very stressed and unhappy for a while. then i was happy, it was a waiting period. for that period i was happy because i didnt have to think about everything. i didnt have to be tired and i didnt have to worry. i was just waiting.
there are some decisions in life that you need to make and you would know it will change things around. you wouldnt be sure if its gonna be better or worse, you worry what future will bring. even though you worry, you would have hope about future. you may even imagine happiness.
well i lost that hope. every time i want something in my life, it just doesnt happen. maybe its better this way, i dont know what my future has for me, and definitely not what would happen if those things happened. as we know its a wave effect. one thing changed, changes the following events. but i was just hoping to be more happy with that thing. when you calculated the odds, it seemed better. i just was hoping.
its not even my fault but i am the one victim. its just a bit my fault because i could have gone after it more but it seemed normal at the time to let things work and get things processed. maybe i should've asked earlier. but its not my fault and now i am stuck and my life will be in this certain way. i have serious doubts about being happy and even content. but i'll try to be because thats what humans do right? live. as simple as that.
i feel like everyone is happy but me. everyone has what they've hoped for in life and/or they are content with what they currently have. am i not a normal person? is something wrong with me? because i have serious trouble with life and being happy.
i'm grateful for what i have. but it just doesnt do it for me. it shouldnt be how it is. i know there are worse things. but my life is my life and its passing. i cant do anything about it. but i just wanna live my life happily. is that too much to ask? i am just so tired of these questions and thoughts. i'm really tired.

Loving you
Best thing
But also the hardest
Loving is not,
Because you are the sweetest
With the best eyes
Lips
Approach towards me
The most delicate approach
So loving you wasn't hard at all
Because you are the loveliest
But it's hard not being with you always
Not spending time with you always
Not being able to share always
Because that's what love is
You find someone
Who you want to share with
Share everything
Your life
That's the most a human can give
Her/his life
Time
How intimate it is to be volunteering to
Give someone something limited you have
And you also don't know how limited it is
Maybe it's too short
But you are willing to give that away no matter what
Because it means
Them
And I think
It's the best place your time can be
The safest place
With them.

Love

You are the purest wish
Wanting you doesnt hurt
You not being here hurts
You not being able to come
When i need
When i want you
Hurts

Whatever you do
Either you make me fly
Like a cloud
So peaceful and happy
Or you make me ache
Even if its a little thing
Because even little pieces
Of the brokenness
Can hurt baby

I know
Its not easy
Having the most fragile thing
I own
Thats why even little things
Can hurt, because its so delicate
It needs care
Sometimes you forget that
But you will learn
We will grow and come out
Of this
Together
Because you know why?
You love me
I love you
As not in words
But also in a reality
That i know exist but i cant show
I cant explain