How's my year so far?

So... February now. Passed January. Not sure if it was good but i think it was better overall.
Do i have doubts and anxiety still? Yes. Not about the same things but yes I do have fears. Because i may have f*cked up. I hope not. I hope the authorities did their job and its done.

I have been having decent days, yes. Not crying and being depressed as much. Laziness... Is off the charts though. I don't feel like doing anything. I have tasks to do as well. I am even lazy for going to the store which is 5 mins away from the house. Who made me like this? I want a refund of that characteristic of me: Lazy. Can't i have a genius trait or something instead of that? So i wouldn't struggle as much in learning.

I'm weird in some sense. I am mostly depressed and bad as a person but also i can be very happy with little things. How the stars and moon look at night... From looking at the clouds and finding it absolutely stunning... Seeing a little child and smiling... Adoring a dog from afar, smiling... Getting some pens and notebooks, extremely happy... And yet i am depressed most of the time. How do i manage this? How do i seem like the happiest person or most appreciative person and yet still be depressed? Its really odd when you think about it.

Having a PS4 helped managing a lot though. I play Overwatch, its a great game. I post some little stuff on youtube as well. (latest: https://youtu.be/-ljFLYXq0WI for curious fellas, i think you can find other videos from that link as well) Its fun and it helps me get on with time without being upset all day. You can even meet people. Funny how some people scream and yell...

I'm holding on. I'm doing better. And i will try to keep that up. Keep going on...

I don't want or expect anything from life anymore, it is how it is, i know, and there are worse things, but it doesn't make my feelings any less real. Any less painful. Any less manageable.
I give up.
I don't want anything. I wish life let me go. But it doesn't. It wouldn't.
But i give up.
I am not that strong i guess.
Sorry. I will seem fine. But i gave up.
Now,
Good night.

Some Nights

Some nights are silent
So silent that i hear my pain
The pain in my heart
Caused by the absence
Lack of you in my life
Makes me ache
Some times, i forget
I really do
But these nights
Silent ones, uninterrupted
They come in waves
Like Tsunamis
And i drown
Subside, sink to the bottom
The bottom of my feelings
And just wait for you
So you can take the pain away

Thoughts of a Hopeless/Not that Bad

hi guys,

yes yes yes, i wont say the same things again, you know how i think and feel about not posting anything for a long time, but guess what, i did it again..

Anyway,

Do you also know that phase of life, where you dont want anything? You just lose the will of doing anything or i dont know lose the spark, of life? Even though you want to do things, you may feel empty. And even though you actually do things, which made you happy at the time, just temporarily, and the next day you felt better but still you felt empty? Yes thats how i am right now.

I wish it was possible just to make people forget you. Just disappear. And be how you like, as you want to be. Because you cant, when you have other variables in your life. Unfortunately. Yes i think i am very pessimistic. Well at least these days, or not pessimistic but i'm clearly not positive towards anything. Still for the future, we struggle. I still try to be good at my exams, i try to study. It works but not 100%, how can it work? Its like brain is there but the body is empty. Finding something to occupy that emptiness is not easy, perhaps impossible. We still look for it.

I know that there are horrible things going on in this world but still everybody lives their emotions and thoughts, i cant change them can i? I cant just say a magical sentence as "People have it worse" and get rid of this emptiness. I wish i could. Wouldnt you think i would do that in a second? Of course i would.

I just have this feeling of riot against life. Not being able to do what you want in life. It makes me angry. Why? Then why do i have this life, why do i live this life, if i cant do what i want with it? Why do i exist then? Makes me furious.

Also something else, that makes one furious, despair. Ahhh despair, knowing that you cant do anything about a problem or anything. Missing someone and the only thing that you can do is wait and wait... I can even write what i exactly want to write here. Just in case someone i dont want would read these. Not that people read these but still. Risky. Ughhh i'm just so done with everything, done! I dont want anything. I'm giving up on everything. Why do i exist? Whats the point. I dont want to. Or yes i want to but somewhere i choose or somewhere with possibilities and no psychological pressure and no community and no expectations... I dont want it.

Sorry this has been very dark. A very darkening script indeed. If anyone read this and came this far, first of all, i'm sorry that i darkened your soul too, secondly even though all of the things i said, keep living. One day it will be worth it. Just at this moment, it feels like hell. But it will pass. At least hope so... Hope will solve it and hope will come to you, dont worry about anything. Sure there is someone out there cares about you and all so keep living, keep existing for them. Yes despite all these horrible things i told about life. And especially because of that. I now just have the idea of beating life. We, all humans, need to beat life. Till they cant anymore. All people, all around the world, we all do it. We keep doing it. We have been doing it. We will keep doing it till the world ends i guess. Come on, its not that bad. I need to think that way, or i will lose my mind. Its not that bad.

Not. That. Bad.

Tied up seas of thoughts(deviantart:AnnaO-Photography)