I don't want or expect anything from life anymore, it is how it is, i know, and there are worse things, but it doesn't make my feelings any less real. Any less painful. Any less manageable.
I give up.
I don't want anything. I wish life let me go. But it doesn't. It wouldn't.
But i give up.
I am not that strong i guess.
Sorry. I will seem fine. But i gave up.
Now,
Good night.

Some Nights

Some nights are silent
So silent that i hear my pain
The pain in my heart
Caused by the absence
Lack of you in my life
Makes me ache
Some times, i forget
I really do
But these nights
Silent ones, uninterrupted
They come in waves
Like Tsunamis
And i drown
Subside, sink to the bottom
The bottom of my feelings
And just wait for you
So you can take the pain away

Thoughts of a Hopeless/Not that Bad

hi guys,

yes yes yes, i wont say the same things again, you know how i think and feel about not posting anything for a long time, but guess what, i did it again..

Anyway,

Do you also know that phase of life, where you dont want anything? You just lose the will of doing anything or i dont know lose the spark, of life? Even though you want to do things, you may feel empty. And even though you actually do things, which made you happy at the time, just temporarily, and the next day you felt better but still you felt empty? Yes thats how i am right now.

I wish it was possible just to make people forget you. Just disappear. And be how you like, as you want to be. Because you cant, when you have other variables in your life. Unfortunately. Yes i think i am very pessimistic. Well at least these days, or not pessimistic but i'm clearly not positive towards anything. Still for the future, we struggle. I still try to be good at my exams, i try to study. It works but not 100%, how can it work? Its like brain is there but the body is empty. Finding something to occupy that emptiness is not easy, perhaps impossible. We still look for it.

I know that there are horrible things going on in this world but still everybody lives their emotions and thoughts, i cant change them can i? I cant just say a magical sentence as "People have it worse" and get rid of this emptiness. I wish i could. Wouldnt you think i would do that in a second? Of course i would.

I just have this feeling of riot against life. Not being able to do what you want in life. It makes me angry. Why? Then why do i have this life, why do i live this life, if i cant do what i want with it? Why do i exist then? Makes me furious.

Also something else, that makes one furious, despair. Ahhh despair, knowing that you cant do anything about a problem or anything. Missing someone and the only thing that you can do is wait and wait... I can even write what i exactly want to write here. Just in case someone i dont want would read these. Not that people read these but still. Risky. Ughhh i'm just so done with everything, done! I dont want anything. I'm giving up on everything. Why do i exist? Whats the point. I dont want to. Or yes i want to but somewhere i choose or somewhere with possibilities and no psychological pressure and no community and no expectations... I dont want it.

Sorry this has been very dark. A very darkening script indeed. If anyone read this and came this far, first of all, i'm sorry that i darkened your soul too, secondly even though all of the things i said, keep living. One day it will be worth it. Just at this moment, it feels like hell. But it will pass. At least hope so... Hope will solve it and hope will come to you, dont worry about anything. Sure there is someone out there cares about you and all so keep living, keep existing for them. Yes despite all these horrible things i told about life. And especially because of that. I now just have the idea of beating life. We, all humans, need to beat life. Till they cant anymore. All people, all around the world, we all do it. We keep doing it. We have been doing it. We will keep doing it till the world ends i guess. Come on, its not that bad. I need to think that way, or i will lose my mind. Its not that bad.

Not. That. Bad.

Tied up seas of thoughts(deviantart:AnnaO-Photography)

Tonight(for me)
I couldn't sleep. Like i'm not sleepy at all, so what better way to spend this time than writing a blogpost.

First of all, hey, how's it goin'? Well, i'm fine, thanks for asking.

Just little things... I dont know why i'm moody like this. I can be super happy a full day then sad for a couple of hours. Then miserable for another day, then happy again. I dont know why i'm like that, really. Is it just me? Please tell me it's not.

I dont know if its because i expect things or i am afraid. Probably both, because they are related somehow. I know i overthink most of the stuff. That is a bad thing that i do and that i cant stop myself from doing. I try to reduce it, i have been successful about that. I think i'm doing better, not overthinking too much. But i still do it.

I say "just live your life for god's sake, just pass the time, you were perfectly fine, why arent you right now?" to myself. I cant seem to stop my brain from working.

But i think, it's because i'm afraid. I'm afraid that i will be so vulnerable that i wont be able to retrieve myself if something happened. I'm afraid that it wont be equally felt. I'm afraid that it passes away. I'm afraid that i get caught up in this and will be heartbroken. Because isnt that how it works? I dont know. I've never experienced.
I feel like i put the thing that needed to be protected at all costs, defenseless to a place that anything could happen, just like that.

Yes. I am afraid.

But i wont be wasting and passing my days like this because of that. Instead, i could be happy, because of various reasons. So many reasons. I am happy in general. Just sometimes... I'm scared.

Me, writing these here is also putting myself out there, shieldless. I dont know if i freak "someone" out too, by thinking these and feeling like this. I dont know how "someone" will think, feel about this. How "someone" will react. Am i too emotional or what am i? I dont know.

I was always like this. About little things as well. I think about some stuff now but i need to be thinking about them later actually. There's no point of me thinking about them right now, other than them making me sad or nervous or miserable.(i was like that about exams too) But one can not stop oneself from feeling things, and i also cant stop myself from thinking as i said. Maybe i have too much me time. I am usually alone.

Anyway. It got really bitter, that wasnt intended. I was just passing my time. But at least it is written now, it counts as its out of my system.

Have a nice time, you, whoever is reading this. Take care.

A little update

Hello,

Just a little update of my life. I know i haven't been writing. And i'm terribly sorry about that, but i had stuff to do i guess, i don't really remember. I'm sorry, not just apologizing but also i'm sorry that i'm not capable of running a blog regularly. I wanted this to work but apparently i'm not qualified.

Anyway, back to the subject.
I just wanted to tell that i'm happy. Of course i get stressed over little things. I'm a student after all and i have exams. I used to be more chill about exams, now they kind of make me have anxiety attacks but i'll be fine. Everybody is going through something, probably worse things happen to people. It's unnecessary to feel like that when you have little obstacles in life. I can't help feeling anxious but I'm just grateful that i'm happy in general now.

My life changed in a positive way one and a half months ago. Thanks to internet. Not gonna write what happened, but i'm glad it happened.

Also i'm going to Hamburg to learn German in a language school. I'll be there for 3 months and i haven't been alone before, so it's a new experience for me. I'm mostly excited but a little bit terrified. Like a normal person would be.

What else.. Oh, brace yourselves, finals are coming. I hope i don't fail at any of my lectures. It won't screw up the summer plans but i'd rather not take the makeups. (they'll probably be harder than regular exams) Anyway, like i said it's a little update.

I hope everyone is good. Almost everyone deserves to be happy. See you later, not giving any dates, i know i won't make it. Till next time...