I feel like this.

I don't matter.
Nothing matters to me.
I want everything gone away.
I always come back to this.
I am not happy.
I don't like living.
I don't like life.
I have noone.
Nothing seems to make me change.
Make me feel.
I don't want anything anymore.
I am a failure of a human being.
Because of what I am and what I choose.
What I like and what I love.
How I think and how I act.

I have noone.
To talk to
To spend time with
To hang out
To like
To touch
To hug and be hugged
Noone.

I am an asshole
I am the sweetest person as well
I am the most good thinking person
Never bad thoughts about anyone
Or anything people do
Yet I am not interesting enough I guess
And I lost the energy to be that to be honest
I am a coward
Maybe that's a good thing for this case
Because I keep living
And living

It doesnt matter how many times the people tell you you are important to them and matter to them and they care. You just sometimes don't feel like that even though you hear them say it over and over. I know this thing mostly ends with me. But what if I am addicted to pain by now. I think something has gone awfully wrong along the way with me.

It is very sad how much I understood Hannah in 13 reasons why when she was explaining her feelings on those tapes. How much I deeply understood. What she was talking about. The emotions. The emptiness.

battle in mind

so, I have been getting through hard times lately. not necessarily very bad things but every person has their own demise in mind. i have been very stressed and unhappy for a while. then i was happy, it was a waiting period. for that period i was happy because i didnt have to think about everything. i didnt have to be tired and i didnt have to worry. i was just waiting.
there are some decisions in life that you need to make and you would know it will change things around. you wouldnt be sure if its gonna be better or worse, you worry what future will bring. even though you worry, you would have hope about future. you may even imagine happiness.
well i lost that hope. every time i want something in my life, it just doesnt happen. maybe its better this way, i dont know what my future has for me, and definitely not what would happen if those things happened. as we know its a wave effect. one thing changed, changes the following events. but i was just hoping to be more happy with that thing. when you calculated the odds, it seemed better. i just was hoping.
its not even my fault but i am the one victim. its just a bit my fault because i could have gone after it more but it seemed normal at the time to let things work and get things processed. maybe i should've asked earlier. but its not my fault and now i am stuck and my life will be in this certain way. i have serious doubts about being happy and even content. but i'll try to be because thats what humans do right? live. as simple as that.
i feel like everyone is happy but me. everyone has what they've hoped for in life and/or they are content with what they currently have. am i not a normal person? is something wrong with me? because i have serious trouble with life and being happy.
i'm grateful for what i have. but it just doesnt do it for me. it shouldnt be how it is. i know there are worse things. but my life is my life and its passing. i cant do anything about it. but i just wanna live my life happily. is that too much to ask? i am just so tired of these questions and thoughts. i'm really tired.

I don't want or expect anything from life anymore, it is how it is, i know, and there are worse things, but it doesn't make my feelings any less real. Any less painful. Any less manageable.
I give up.
I don't want anything. I wish life let me go. But it doesn't. It wouldn't.
But i give up.
I am not that strong i guess.
Sorry. I will seem fine. But i gave up.
Now,
Good night.