battle in mind

so, I have been getting through hard times lately. not necessarily very bad things but every person has their own demise in mind. i have been very stressed and unhappy for a while. then i was happy, it was a waiting period. for that period i was happy because i didnt have to think about everything. i didnt have to be tired and i didnt have to worry. i was just waiting.
there are some decisions in life that you need to make and you would know it will change things around. you wouldnt be sure if its gonna be better or worse, you worry what future will bring. even though you worry, you would have hope about future. you may even imagine happiness.
well i lost that hope. every time i want something in my life, it just doesnt happen. maybe its better this way, i dont know what my future has for me, and definitely not what would happen if those things happened. as we know its a wave effect. one thing changed, changes the following events. but i was just hoping to be more happy with that thing. when you calculated the odds, it seemed better. i just was hoping.
its not even my fault but i am the one victim. its just a bit my fault because i could have gone after it more but it seemed normal at the time to let things work and get things processed. maybe i should've asked earlier. but its not my fault and now i am stuck and my life will be in this certain way. i have serious doubts about being happy and even content. but i'll try to be because thats what humans do right? live. as simple as that.
i feel like everyone is happy but me. everyone has what they've hoped for in life and/or they are content with what they currently have. am i not a normal person? is something wrong with me? because i have serious trouble with life and being happy.
i'm grateful for what i have. but it just doesnt do it for me. it shouldnt be how it is. i know there are worse things. but my life is my life and its passing. i cant do anything about it. but i just wanna live my life happily. is that too much to ask? i am just so tired of these questions and thoughts. i'm really tired.

My deep sadness/Loss of Anton Yelchin

I have loved Star Trek movies. And he played one of my favorite characters, Chekov. After we left the cinema after the first movie, i kept roleplaying Chekov and he was my background on my phone for a solid couple of months. I cant explain the level of grief i feel right now. He was so young, 27. And i am not an expert of course but he was a really good actor. Not only in Star Trek but in other movies of him that I've watched. It is truly a sad incident. I am yet not sure of how it happened but it was actually an accident i believe. I can't imagine the emotions of his co-actors. You will be remembered little man. I will always remember you as Chekov and keep saying "Chekov can do zat!" Will see you one last time in action in Star Trek Beyond. I'm going to be waiting for it more now.

Rest In Peace... Anton Yelchin..
It was too early.. We have lost too many this year, you shouldn't have been one too...

Edit:I have watched Star Trek Beyond. It was both sentimental and exciting. I recommend all people to go see it and enjoy it fully. And for those who dont know/watch Star Trek, you should. (21.08.2016 5:11 PM)

Once again.

She was happy for a week or two
Yet she cries once again
She goes to bed alone again
And cries her to sleep
Once again...