Everything is a lie
no one cares
nooone
cares

I feel like this.

I don't matter.
Nothing matters to me.
I want everything gone away.
I always come back to this.
I am not happy.
I don't like living.
I don't like life.
I have noone.
Nothing seems to make me change.
Make me feel.
I don't want anything anymore.
I am a failure of a human being.
Because of what I am and what I choose.
What I like and what I love.
How I think and how I act.

I have noone.
To talk to
To spend time with
To hang out
To like
To touch
To hug and be hugged
Noone.

I am an asshole
I am the sweetest person as well
I am the most good thinking person
Never bad thoughts about anyone
Or anything people do
Yet I am not interesting enough I guess
And I lost the energy to be that to be honest
I am a coward
Maybe that's a good thing for this case
Because I keep living
And living

It doesnt matter how many times the people tell you you are important to them and matter to them and they care. You just sometimes don't feel like that even though you hear them say it over and over. I know this thing mostly ends with me. But what if I am addicted to pain by now. I think something has gone awfully wrong along the way with me.

It is very sad how much I understood Hannah in 13 reasons why when she was explaining her feelings on those tapes. How much I deeply understood. What she was talking about. The emotions. The emptiness.

How's my year so far?

So... February now. Passed January. Not sure if it was good but i think it was better overall.
Do i have doubts and anxiety still? Yes. Not about the same things but yes I do have fears. Because i may have f*cked up. I hope not. I hope the authorities did their job and its done.

I have been having decent days, yes. Not crying and being depressed as much. Laziness... Is off the charts though. I don't feel like doing anything. I have tasks to do as well. I am even lazy for going to the store which is 5 mins away from the house. Who made me like this? I want a refund of that characteristic of me: Lazy. Can't i have a genius trait or something instead of that? So i wouldn't struggle as much in learning.

I'm weird in some sense. I am mostly depressed and bad as a person but also i can be very happy with little things. How the stars and moon look at night... From looking at the clouds and finding it absolutely stunning... Seeing a little child and smiling... Adoring a dog from afar, smiling... Getting some pens and notebooks, extremely happy... And yet i am depressed most of the time. How do i manage this? How do i seem like the happiest person or most appreciative person and yet still be depressed? Its really odd when you think about it.

Having a PS4 helped managing a lot though. I play Overwatch, its a great game. I post some little stuff on youtube as well. (latest: https://youtu.be/-ljFLYXq0WI for curious fellas, i think you can find other videos from that link as well) Its fun and it helps me get on with time without being upset all day. You can even meet people. Funny how some people scream and yell...

I'm holding on. I'm doing better. And i will try to keep that up. Keep going on...

New Year?

New year, 2017,

I do not want to cry and be depressed and sleep all day this year. I want to be happy and do things and have passion about the things i do.
Sadly i dont know how to do that. I dont know where to start or even what to do... When it comes to doing things.

Christmas holiday was a vacation for me. I both dont want it to end because i know whats waiting for me.. Along with exams... and I want it to end and I wanna get on with life again. And yet again unfortunately i dont have the passion or interest about the things i do anymore. Every day is the same as other. I hope to be okay when i am focused on my internship for one month or so but still, till then... And about the exams i will have, i have doubts and anxiety. Because i wasnt really able to function well last couple of months. It has been a downhill in some way but yes i feel like its gonna go up from now on, no i dont have hope but i just feel that way. Since i feel like it was the deepest point that i could be last couple of months. I hope i am right.

I am looking forward to living with my parents for a while again. Its not gonna be amazing but being busy and surrounded with them, i think it will help. I hope so. I missed my friends a lot. I missed meeting them and chatting and laughing uncontrollably. I just missed hanging around. Out and about. Hopefully i will soon, again.

But i also fear things. In my home country... Lets say its not going nicely. And i certainly dont want to be trapped in there. Or worse...

Anyway, i think its all for now. And i need to have dinner.