New Year?

New year, 2017,

I do not want to cry and be depressed and sleep all day this year. I want to be happy and do things and have passion about the things i do.
Sadly i dont know how to do that. I dont know where to start or even what to do... When it comes to doing things.

Christmas holiday was a vacation for me. I both dont want it to end because i know whats waiting for me.. Along with exams... and I want it to end and I wanna get on with life again. And yet again unfortunately i dont have the passion or interest about the things i do anymore. Every day is the same as other. I hope to be okay when i am focused on my internship for one month or so but still, till then... And about the exams i will have, i have doubts and anxiety. Because i wasnt really able to function well last couple of months. It has been a downhill in some way but yes i feel like its gonna go up from now on, no i dont have hope but i just feel that way. Since i feel like it was the deepest point that i could be last couple of months. I hope i am right.

I am looking forward to living with my parents for a while again. Its not gonna be amazing but being busy and surrounded with them, i think it will help. I hope so. I missed my friends a lot. I missed meeting them and chatting and laughing uncontrollably. I just missed hanging around. Out and about. Hopefully i will soon, again.

But i also fear things. In my home country... Lets say its not going nicely. And i certainly dont want to be trapped in there. Or worse...

Anyway, i think its all for now. And i need to have dinner.

Do yourself a favor...

Sometimes things hit you out of nowhere.

As humans we are not able to control most of the things in our lives. When those points come, just embrace them and let them happen, because they also happen to build you in some way. Make things clear. So just let them show the way. Let them explain. Even though you don't understand at that moment, let them be.

They happen to be precious. Those hitting points come from the very root of one's whole being. So embrace yourself. Don't shut yourself out. You'll miss the most unique experience for you.

You'll miss the opportnity to comprehend "you".

Notes from a well-meaning mind

Thoughts of a Hopeless/Not that Bad

hi guys,

yes yes yes, i wont say the same things again, you know how i think and feel about not posting anything for a long time, but guess what, i did it again..

Anyway,

Do you also know that phase of life, where you dont want anything? You just lose the will of doing anything or i dont know lose the spark, of life? Even though you want to do things, you may feel empty. And even though you actually do things, which made you happy at the time, just temporarily, and the next day you felt better but still you felt empty? Yes thats how i am right now.

I wish it was possible just to make people forget you. Just disappear. And be how you like, as you want to be. Because you cant, when you have other variables in your life. Unfortunately. Yes i think i am very pessimistic. Well at least these days, or not pessimistic but i'm clearly not positive towards anything. Still for the future, we struggle. I still try to be good at my exams, i try to study. It works but not 100%, how can it work? Its like brain is there but the body is empty. Finding something to occupy that emptiness is not easy, perhaps impossible. We still look for it.

I know that there are horrible things going on in this world but still everybody lives their emotions and thoughts, i cant change them can i? I cant just say a magical sentence as "People have it worse" and get rid of this emptiness. I wish i could. Wouldnt you think i would do that in a second? Of course i would.

I just have this feeling of riot against life. Not being able to do what you want in life. It makes me angry. Why? Then why do i have this life, why do i live this life, if i cant do what i want with it? Why do i exist then? Makes me furious.

Also something else, that makes one furious, despair. Ahhh despair, knowing that you cant do anything about a problem or anything. Missing someone and the only thing that you can do is wait and wait... I can even write what i exactly want to write here. Just in case someone i dont want would read these. Not that people read these but still. Risky. Ughhh i'm just so done with everything, done! I dont want anything. I'm giving up on everything. Why do i exist? Whats the point. I dont want to. Or yes i want to but somewhere i choose or somewhere with possibilities and no psychological pressure and no community and no expectations... I dont want it.

Sorry this has been very dark. A very darkening script indeed. If anyone read this and came this far, first of all, i'm sorry that i darkened your soul too, secondly even though all of the things i said, keep living. One day it will be worth it. Just at this moment, it feels like hell. But it will pass. At least hope so... Hope will solve it and hope will come to you, dont worry about anything. Sure there is someone out there cares about you and all so keep living, keep existing for them. Yes despite all these horrible things i told about life. And especially because of that. I now just have the idea of beating life. We, all humans, need to beat life. Till they cant anymore. All people, all around the world, we all do it. We keep doing it. We have been doing it. We will keep doing it till the world ends i guess. Come on, its not that bad. I need to think that way, or i will lose my mind. Its not that bad.

Not. That. Bad.

Tied up seas of thoughts(deviantart:AnnaO-Photography)

Tonight(for me)
I couldn't sleep. Like i'm not sleepy at all, so what better way to spend this time than writing a blogpost.

First of all, hey, how's it goin'? Well, i'm fine, thanks for asking.

Just little things... I dont know why i'm moody like this. I can be super happy a full day then sad for a couple of hours. Then miserable for another day, then happy again. I dont know why i'm like that, really. Is it just me? Please tell me it's not.

I dont know if its because i expect things or i am afraid. Probably both, because they are related somehow. I know i overthink most of the stuff. That is a bad thing that i do and that i cant stop myself from doing. I try to reduce it, i have been successful about that. I think i'm doing better, not overthinking too much. But i still do it.

I say "just live your life for god's sake, just pass the time, you were perfectly fine, why arent you right now?" to myself. I cant seem to stop my brain from working.

But i think, it's because i'm afraid. I'm afraid that i will be so vulnerable that i wont be able to retrieve myself if something happened. I'm afraid that it wont be equally felt. I'm afraid that it passes away. I'm afraid that i get caught up in this and will be heartbroken. Because isnt that how it works? I dont know. I've never experienced.
I feel like i put the thing that needed to be protected at all costs, defenseless to a place that anything could happen, just like that.

Yes. I am afraid.

But i wont be wasting and passing my days like this because of that. Instead, i could be happy, because of various reasons. So many reasons. I am happy in general. Just sometimes... I'm scared.

Me, writing these here is also putting myself out there, shieldless. I dont know if i freak "someone" out too, by thinking these and feeling like this. I dont know how "someone" will think, feel about this. How "someone" will react. Am i too emotional or what am i? I dont know.

I was always like this. About little things as well. I think about some stuff now but i need to be thinking about them later actually. There's no point of me thinking about them right now, other than them making me sad or nervous or miserable.(i was like that about exams too) But one can not stop oneself from feeling things, and i also cant stop myself from thinking as i said. Maybe i have too much me time. I am usually alone.

Anyway. It got really bitter, that wasnt intended. I was just passing my time. But at least it is written now, it counts as its out of my system.

Have a nice time, you, whoever is reading this. Take care.

A little update

Hello,

Just a little update of my life. I know i haven't been writing. And i'm terribly sorry about that, but i had stuff to do i guess, i don't really remember. I'm sorry, not just apologizing but also i'm sorry that i'm not capable of running a blog regularly. I wanted this to work but apparently i'm not qualified.

Anyway, back to the subject.
I just wanted to tell that i'm happy. Of course i get stressed over little things. I'm a student after all and i have exams. I used to be more chill about exams, now they kind of make me have anxiety attacks but i'll be fine. Everybody is going through something, probably worse things happen to people. It's unnecessary to feel like that when you have little obstacles in life. I can't help feeling anxious but I'm just grateful that i'm happy in general now.

My life changed in a positive way one and a half months ago. Thanks to internet. Not gonna write what happened, but i'm glad it happened.

Also i'm going to Hamburg to learn German in a language school. I'll be there for 3 months and i haven't been alone before, so it's a new experience for me. I'm mostly excited but a little bit terrified. Like a normal person would be.

What else.. Oh, brace yourselves, finals are coming. I hope i don't fail at any of my lectures. It won't screw up the summer plans but i'd rather not take the makeups. (they'll probably be harder than regular exams) Anyway, like i said it's a little update.

I hope everyone is good. Almost everyone deserves to be happy. See you later, not giving any dates, i know i won't make it. Till next time...

Monthly Favourites / January

Hellooooo,
How have you been? I was fine, i guess, thanks for asking.
I had exams, and make-ups of those exams, woops, so i couldn't post that much. But here's my monthly favourites. Things i loved this month, and by that i mean obsessed with.

Book: Death Becomes Her by Kelly Keaton

I really liked the book, it was full of surprises and imagination. If you like supernatural beings, mystery and gods/goddesses, take a look at it, i'm quite sure you'll like it. Even though it was written for aiming teenagers i really liked the storyline as a young adult.

Series: Once Upon A Time

I wanted to start this series for a loooong time and this month i managed to actually start. And i wasn't disappointed at all. I love Princess/Prince stories but this is something else. Yes, it has lots of stories like that but if you watch just the first episode you'll see what i mean, and you'll probably be hooked already. I'm still watching the first season though.

App: Youtube 

You all know i'm obsessed with youtube and watch it a lot. No need to comment on this.

And speaking of that;

Youtuber: Pewdiepie (Felix Arvid Ulf Kjellberg)

I love Felix. But this month he was extra funny and entertaining. I know he screams too much, and it's kind one of the reasons why he is so popular, but if you watch like 2-3 videos you'll get used to it, love him and laugh your *ss off. His rage videos will be the noisiest but funniest. This month he was really good.

Yet, he couldn't be in the best videos category;

Best Youtube Videos:

3rd: EXTREME MAKEOVER DIL’S HOME EDITION - Dan and Phil Play: Sims 4 #13 by DanAndPhilGAMES

This was so entertaining in soooo many ways. I love Sims, that's one reason. I love Dan and Phil second reason. It was so funny, third reason. You'll see what i mean if you watch.

2nd: Random Commercial Challenge by GMM

It looks a bit weird in the thumbnail but it was sooo funny. And it won the 2nd prize.

Now the ultimate winner.

1st: January by Jack Howard

Even though it was posted in the last days of January, it got the 1st place. Because it was funny but mostly sincere and full of life. I felt so warm inside while watching the last minutes. You'll see that they're celebrating Charlotte's birthday, the presentation of it though, it got me. Also it is called JackPMS and it was going on twitter for some time now, i think people who saw the hashtag JackPMS was very confused.

Song: Elastic Heart by Sia

I am obsessed with this song since i first heard and watch it. Maddie is really a talented dancer. And Shia Labeouf is a great actor, also a great dancer in this video. About the fuss giong on, it didn't cross my mind even a for a little that this music video shows or triggers pedophilia or pedophilic thoughts. I didn't understand anything of course, i'm not into dance choreography. But then at some point i cleary saw that this is a father/daughter moment. But when i did my research i learned that Shia and Maddie are both supposed to be Sia but in different parts of her life. But the choreography has traces of family matters. People just saw the materialistic/physical part of the video and thought "oh a guy who is dancing with a younger girl" Open your eyes and minds people, it's not about physicality, it's spiritual.

Last two favourites are my stuff. One of them is a notepad/mousepad and i really liked the look of it. Other one is a fragrance. My father went to Italy for business and he got me a perfume on the way back. I was not that obsessed with it at first but then, after using it a few times, i really liked the scent. Also i really liked the case of it, the bright pink is beautiful. (Even though i'm not a pinky pink person.)

That's all. Have a nice February, people.(and don't care if you haven't got a Valentine, you're wonderful on your own, just let it roll off ) See you later.

Opening Credits

Hello
I just wanted to say hi and make a start. So, hi. My name is Selen and i'm the person behind this blog and screen. I'll talk about my thoughts here and i hope people will enjoy my writings and share my feelings/opinions about stuff.

This is my very first blog post. It won't be much of a thing but i could't wait to start running this blog. I got a bit impatient. Also my mother language is not English so i could make mistakes about grammer or some phrases or also spelling(even though i hate spelling mistakes but i'll try my best.). So go easy on me, will you? Thanks.

You can find me from my social media sites. I almost have account on everything but i'll put what i use the most, soon.

I hope you have a happy day. Bye.

(I'm really excited about this blog because i tried doing these but i'm kind of a lazy person so it didn't work out well then. But now I really want this to work.)