I feel like this.

I don't matter.
Nothing matters to me.
I want everything gone away.
I always come back to this.
I am not happy.
I don't like living.
I don't like life.
I have noone.
Nothing seems to make me change.
Make me feel.
I don't want anything anymore.
I am a failure of a human being.
Because of what I am and what I choose.
What I like and what I love.
How I think and how I act.

I have noone.
To talk to
To spend time with
To hang out
To like
To touch
To hug and be hugged
Noone.

I am an asshole
I am the sweetest person as well
I am the most good thinking person
Never bad thoughts about anyone
Or anything people do
Yet I am not interesting enough I guess
And I lost the energy to be that to be honest
I am a coward
Maybe that's a good thing for this case
Because I keep living
And living

It doesnt matter how many times the people tell you you are important to them and matter to them and they care. You just sometimes don't feel like that even though you hear them say it over and over. I know this thing mostly ends with me. But what if I am addicted to pain by now. I think something has gone awfully wrong along the way with me.

It is very sad how much I understood Hannah in 13 reasons why when she was explaining her feelings on those tapes. How much I deeply understood. What she was talking about. The emotions. The emptiness.

battle in mind

so, I have been getting through hard times lately. not necessarily very bad things but every person has their own demise in mind. i have been very stressed and unhappy for a while. then i was happy, it was a waiting period. for that period i was happy because i didnt have to think about everything. i didnt have to be tired and i didnt have to worry. i was just waiting.
there are some decisions in life that you need to make and you would know it will change things around. you wouldnt be sure if its gonna be better or worse, you worry what future will bring. even though you worry, you would have hope about future. you may even imagine happiness.
well i lost that hope. every time i want something in my life, it just doesnt happen. maybe its better this way, i dont know what my future has for me, and definitely not what would happen if those things happened. as we know its a wave effect. one thing changed, changes the following events. but i was just hoping to be more happy with that thing. when you calculated the odds, it seemed better. i just was hoping.
its not even my fault but i am the one victim. its just a bit my fault because i could have gone after it more but it seemed normal at the time to let things work and get things processed. maybe i should've asked earlier. but its not my fault and now i am stuck and my life will be in this certain way. i have serious doubts about being happy and even content. but i'll try to be because thats what humans do right? live. as simple as that.
i feel like everyone is happy but me. everyone has what they've hoped for in life and/or they are content with what they currently have. am i not a normal person? is something wrong with me? because i have serious trouble with life and being happy.
i'm grateful for what i have. but it just doesnt do it for me. it shouldnt be how it is. i know there are worse things. but my life is my life and its passing. i cant do anything about it. but i just wanna live my life happily. is that too much to ask? i am just so tired of these questions and thoughts. i'm really tired.

Do yourself a favor...

Sometimes things hit you out of nowhere.

As humans we are not able to control most of the things in our lives. When those points come, just embrace them and let them happen, because they also happen to build you in some way. Make things clear. So just let them show the way. Let them explain. Even though you don't understand at that moment, let them be.

They happen to be precious. Those hitting points come from the very root of one's whole being. So embrace yourself. Don't shut yourself out. You'll miss the most unique experience for you.

You'll miss the opportnity to comprehend "you".

Notes from a well-meaning mind

Some Nights

Some nights are silent
So silent that i hear my pain
The pain in my heart
Caused by the absence
Lack of you in my life
Makes me ache
Some times, i forget
I really do
But these nights
Silent ones, uninterrupted
They come in waves
Like Tsunamis
And i drown
Subside, sink to the bottom
The bottom of my feelings
And just wait for you
So you can take the pain away

Thoughts of a Hopeless/Not that Bad

hi guys,

yes yes yes, i wont say the same things again, you know how i think and feel about not posting anything for a long time, but guess what, i did it again..

Anyway,

Do you also know that phase of life, where you dont want anything? You just lose the will of doing anything or i dont know lose the spark, of life? Even though you want to do things, you may feel empty. And even though you actually do things, which made you happy at the time, just temporarily, and the next day you felt better but still you felt empty? Yes thats how i am right now.

I wish it was possible just to make people forget you. Just disappear. And be how you like, as you want to be. Because you cant, when you have other variables in your life. Unfortunately. Yes i think i am very pessimistic. Well at least these days, or not pessimistic but i'm clearly not positive towards anything. Still for the future, we struggle. I still try to be good at my exams, i try to study. It works but not 100%, how can it work? Its like brain is there but the body is empty. Finding something to occupy that emptiness is not easy, perhaps impossible. We still look for it.

I know that there are horrible things going on in this world but still everybody lives their emotions and thoughts, i cant change them can i? I cant just say a magical sentence as "People have it worse" and get rid of this emptiness. I wish i could. Wouldnt you think i would do that in a second? Of course i would.

I just have this feeling of riot against life. Not being able to do what you want in life. It makes me angry. Why? Then why do i have this life, why do i live this life, if i cant do what i want with it? Why do i exist then? Makes me furious.

Also something else, that makes one furious, despair. Ahhh despair, knowing that you cant do anything about a problem or anything. Missing someone and the only thing that you can do is wait and wait... I can even write what i exactly want to write here. Just in case someone i dont want would read these. Not that people read these but still. Risky. Ughhh i'm just so done with everything, done! I dont want anything. I'm giving up on everything. Why do i exist? Whats the point. I dont want to. Or yes i want to but somewhere i choose or somewhere with possibilities and no psychological pressure and no community and no expectations... I dont want it.

Sorry this has been very dark. A very darkening script indeed. If anyone read this and came this far, first of all, i'm sorry that i darkened your soul too, secondly even though all of the things i said, keep living. One day it will be worth it. Just at this moment, it feels like hell. But it will pass. At least hope so... Hope will solve it and hope will come to you, dont worry about anything. Sure there is someone out there cares about you and all so keep living, keep existing for them. Yes despite all these horrible things i told about life. And especially because of that. I now just have the idea of beating life. We, all humans, need to beat life. Till they cant anymore. All people, all around the world, we all do it. We keep doing it. We have been doing it. We will keep doing it till the world ends i guess. Come on, its not that bad. I need to think that way, or i will lose my mind. Its not that bad.

Not. That. Bad.

Tied up seas of thoughts(deviantart:AnnaO-Photography)