I feel like this.

I don't matter.
Nothing matters to me.
I want everything gone away.
I always come back to this.
I am not happy.
I don't like living.
I don't like life.
I have noone.
Nothing seems to make me change.
Make me feel.
I don't want anything anymore.
I am a failure of a human being.
Because of what I am and what I choose.
What I like and what I love.
How I think and how I act.

I have noone.
To talk to
To spend time with
To hang out
To like
To touch
To hug and be hugged
Noone.

I am an asshole
I am the sweetest person as well
I am the most good thinking person
Never bad thoughts about anyone
Or anything people do
Yet I am not interesting enough I guess
And I lost the energy to be that to be honest
I am a coward
Maybe that's a good thing for this case
Because I keep living
And living

It doesnt matter how many times the people tell you you are important to them and matter to them and they care. You just sometimes don't feel like that even though you hear them say it over and over. I know this thing mostly ends with me. But what if I am addicted to pain by now. I think something has gone awfully wrong along the way with me.

It is very sad how much I understood Hannah in 13 reasons why when she was explaining her feelings on those tapes. How much I deeply understood. What she was talking about. The emotions. The emptiness.

How's my year so far?

So... February now. Passed January. Not sure if it was good but i think it was better overall.
Do i have doubts and anxiety still? Yes. Not about the same things but yes I do have fears. Because i may have f*cked up. I hope not. I hope the authorities did their job and its done.

I have been having decent days, yes. Not crying and being depressed as much. Laziness... Is off the charts though. I don't feel like doing anything. I have tasks to do as well. I am even lazy for going to the store which is 5 mins away from the house. Who made me like this? I want a refund of that characteristic of me: Lazy. Can't i have a genius trait or something instead of that? So i wouldn't struggle as much in learning.

I'm weird in some sense. I am mostly depressed and bad as a person but also i can be very happy with little things. How the stars and moon look at night... From looking at the clouds and finding it absolutely stunning... Seeing a little child and smiling... Adoring a dog from afar, smiling... Getting some pens and notebooks, extremely happy... And yet i am depressed most of the time. How do i manage this? How do i seem like the happiest person or most appreciative person and yet still be depressed? Its really odd when you think about it.

Having a PS4 helped managing a lot though. I play Overwatch, its a great game. I post some little stuff on youtube as well. (latest: https://youtu.be/-ljFLYXq0WI for curious fellas, i think you can find other videos from that link as well) Its fun and it helps me get on with time without being upset all day. You can even meet people. Funny how some people scream and yell...

I'm holding on. I'm doing better. And i will try to keep that up. Keep going on...