battle in mind

so, I have been getting through hard times lately. not necessarily very bad things but every person has their own demise in mind. i have been very stressed and unhappy for a while. then i was happy, it was a waiting period. for that period i was happy because i didnt have to think about everything. i didnt have to be tired and i didnt have to worry. i was just waiting.
there are some decisions in life that you need to make and you would know it will change things around. you wouldnt be sure if its gonna be better or worse, you worry what future will bring. even though you worry, you would have hope about future. you may even imagine happiness.
well i lost that hope. every time i want something in my life, it just doesnt happen. maybe its better this way, i dont know what my future has for me, and definitely not what would happen if those things happened. as we know its a wave effect. one thing changed, changes the following events. but i was just hoping to be more happy with that thing. when you calculated the odds, it seemed better. i just was hoping.
its not even my fault but i am the one victim. its just a bit my fault because i could have gone after it more but it seemed normal at the time to let things work and get things processed. maybe i should've asked earlier. but its not my fault and now i am stuck and my life will be in this certain way. i have serious doubts about being happy and even content. but i'll try to be because thats what humans do right? live. as simple as that.
i feel like everyone is happy but me. everyone has what they've hoped for in life and/or they are content with what they currently have. am i not a normal person? is something wrong with me? because i have serious trouble with life and being happy.
i'm grateful for what i have. but it just doesnt do it for me. it shouldnt be how it is. i know there are worse things. but my life is my life and its passing. i cant do anything about it. but i just wanna live my life happily. is that too much to ask? i am just so tired of these questions and thoughts. i'm really tired.

It is sad that sometimes we need to hide things from people. For a lot of different reasons we need to do that sometimes. But it's really bad to feel like that. Not being able to talk or write or publish or share anything freely. I'd like to talk more about certain things but there is a chance that some certain people might find out about this blog so i can't. I am never free. Even though it seems like so.

Another thing i realized these days. Something changed. I lost something but i am not sure what. And i realize that no matter how many people i am surrounded by, i am alone. Always. Even when i am with the closest people to me, friends, family. I am always alone and i can't solve that. At least i am failing till now. I am just not able to beat that. Maybe i'll let you know if i figure it out or if i stop it somehow in the future.

That's all for now. Just a little update. Take care till next time.

My deep sadness/Loss of Anton Yelchin

I have loved Star Trek movies. And he played one of my favorite characters, Chekov. After we left the cinema after the first movie, i kept roleplaying Chekov and he was my background on my phone for a solid couple of months. I cant explain the level of grief i feel right now. He was so young, 27. And i am not an expert of course but he was a really good actor. Not only in Star Trek but in other movies of him that I've watched. It is truly a sad incident. I am yet not sure of how it happened but it was actually an accident i believe. I can't imagine the emotions of his co-actors. You will be remembered little man. I will always remember you as Chekov and keep saying "Chekov can do zat!" Will see you one last time in action in Star Trek Beyond. I'm going to be waiting for it more now.

Rest In Peace... Anton Yelchin..
It was too early.. We have lost too many this year, you shouldn't have been one too...

Edit:I have watched Star Trek Beyond. It was both sentimental and exciting. I recommend all people to go see it and enjoy it fully. And for those who dont know/watch Star Trek, you should. (21.08.2016 5:11 PM)

Do yourself a favor...

Sometimes things hit you out of nowhere.

As humans we are not able to control most of the things in our lives. When those points come, just embrace them and let them happen, because they also happen to build you in some way. Make things clear. So just let them show the way. Let them explain. Even though you don't understand at that moment, let them be.

They happen to be precious. Those hitting points come from the very root of one's whole being. So embrace yourself. Don't shut yourself out. You'll miss the most unique experience for you.

You'll miss the opportnity to comprehend "you".

Notes from a well-meaning mind

I don't want or expect anything from life anymore, it is how it is, i know, and there are worse things, but it doesn't make my feelings any less real. Any less painful. Any less manageable.
I give up.
I don't want anything. I wish life let me go. But it doesn't. It wouldn't.
But i give up.
I am not that strong i guess.
Sorry. I will seem fine. But i gave up.
Now,
Good night.

Once again.

She was happy for a week or two
Yet she cries once again
She goes to bed alone again
And cries her to sleep
Once again...

How can you stand
Not talking to me a day
Not seeing me
While you say i am the only thing
The only thing you want
The only thing that's important
While you say you care
More than anyone
While you say you love me the most
You need me the most
And yet when i can't stand passing a day without you
You are perfectly fine with it
You don't have time for me
You'd live the same without me
Let's not fool ourselves.

Take my hand, take my whole life too, for i can't help, falling in love with you...

I love you so much. You are, just you. And i love you.

We. Us.

Things that i can't tell you right now

I miss your warmth

I really dont want to live like this

Do you feel me? Or you just send things or say things randomly and it fits?

It kills me that i cant talk to you but i just cant. 

I cant say. What i think.

(sometimes people make me lose my belief, i'm sorry, you should convince me back but i cant talk to you and you dont even know)

Loving you
Best thing
But also the hardest
Loving is not,
Because you are the sweetest
With the best eyes
Lips
Approach towards me
The most delicate approach
So loving you wasn't hard at all
Because you are the loveliest
But it's hard not being with you always
Not spending time with you always
Not being able to share always
Because that's what love is
You find someone
Who you want to share with
Share everything
Your life
That's the most a human can give
Her/his life
Time
How intimate it is to be volunteering to
Give someone something limited you have
And you also don't know how limited it is
Maybe it's too short
But you are willing to give that away no matter what
Because it means
Them
And I think
It's the best place your time can be
The safest place
With them.

Some Nights

Some nights are silent
So silent that i hear my pain
The pain in my heart
Caused by the absence
Lack of you in my life
Makes me ache
Some times, i forget
I really do
But these nights
Silent ones, uninterrupted
They come in waves
Like Tsunamis
And i drown
Subside, sink to the bottom
The bottom of my feelings
And just wait for you
So you can take the pain away

Thoughts of a Hopeless/Not that Bad

hi guys,

yes yes yes, i wont say the same things again, you know how i think and feel about not posting anything for a long time, but guess what, i did it again..

Anyway,

Do you also know that phase of life, where you dont want anything? You just lose the will of doing anything or i dont know lose the spark, of life? Even though you want to do things, you may feel empty. And even though you actually do things, which made you happy at the time, just temporarily, and the next day you felt better but still you felt empty? Yes thats how i am right now.

I wish it was possible just to make people forget you. Just disappear. And be how you like, as you want to be. Because you cant, when you have other variables in your life. Unfortunately. Yes i think i am very pessimistic. Well at least these days, or not pessimistic but i'm clearly not positive towards anything. Still for the future, we struggle. I still try to be good at my exams, i try to study. It works but not 100%, how can it work? Its like brain is there but the body is empty. Finding something to occupy that emptiness is not easy, perhaps impossible. We still look for it.

I know that there are horrible things going on in this world but still everybody lives their emotions and thoughts, i cant change them can i? I cant just say a magical sentence as "People have it worse" and get rid of this emptiness. I wish i could. Wouldnt you think i would do that in a second? Of course i would.

I just have this feeling of riot against life. Not being able to do what you want in life. It makes me angry. Why? Then why do i have this life, why do i live this life, if i cant do what i want with it? Why do i exist then? Makes me furious.

Also something else, that makes one furious, despair. Ahhh despair, knowing that you cant do anything about a problem or anything. Missing someone and the only thing that you can do is wait and wait... I can even write what i exactly want to write here. Just in case someone i dont want would read these. Not that people read these but still. Risky. Ughhh i'm just so done with everything, done! I dont want anything. I'm giving up on everything. Why do i exist? Whats the point. I dont want to. Or yes i want to but somewhere i choose or somewhere with possibilities and no psychological pressure and no community and no expectations... I dont want it.

Sorry this has been very dark. A very darkening script indeed. If anyone read this and came this far, first of all, i'm sorry that i darkened your soul too, secondly even though all of the things i said, keep living. One day it will be worth it. Just at this moment, it feels like hell. But it will pass. At least hope so... Hope will solve it and hope will come to you, dont worry about anything. Sure there is someone out there cares about you and all so keep living, keep existing for them. Yes despite all these horrible things i told about life. And especially because of that. I now just have the idea of beating life. We, all humans, need to beat life. Till they cant anymore. All people, all around the world, we all do it. We keep doing it. We have been doing it. We will keep doing it till the world ends i guess. Come on, its not that bad. I need to think that way, or i will lose my mind. Its not that bad.

Not. That. Bad.

Tied up seas of thoughts(deviantart:AnnaO-Photography)