Everything is a lie
no one cares
nooone
cares

I feel like this.

I don't matter.
Nothing matters to me.
I want everything gone away.
I always come back to this.
I am not happy.
I don't like living.
I don't like life.
I have noone.
Nothing seems to make me change.
Make me feel.
I don't want anything anymore.
I am a failure of a human being.
Because of what I am and what I choose.
What I like and what I love.
How I think and how I act.

I have noone.
To talk to
To spend time with
To hang out
To like
To touch
To hug and be hugged
Noone.

I am an asshole
I am the sweetest person as well
I am the most good thinking person
Never bad thoughts about anyone
Or anything people do
Yet I am not interesting enough I guess
And I lost the energy to be that to be honest
I am a coward
Maybe that's a good thing for this case
Because I keep living
And living

It doesnt matter how many times the people tell you you are important to them and matter to them and they care. You just sometimes don't feel like that even though you hear them say it over and over. I know this thing mostly ends with me. But what if I am addicted to pain by now. I think something has gone awfully wrong along the way with me.

It is very sad how much I understood Hannah in 13 reasons why when she was explaining her feelings on those tapes. How much I deeply understood. What she was talking about. The emotions. The emptiness.

How's my year so far?

So... February now. Passed January. Not sure if it was good but i think it was better overall.
Do i have doubts and anxiety still? Yes. Not about the same things but yes I do have fears. Because i may have f*cked up. I hope not. I hope the authorities did their job and its done.

I have been having decent days, yes. Not crying and being depressed as much. Laziness... Is off the charts though. I don't feel like doing anything. I have tasks to do as well. I am even lazy for going to the store which is 5 mins away from the house. Who made me like this? I want a refund of that characteristic of me: Lazy. Can't i have a genius trait or something instead of that? So i wouldn't struggle as much in learning.

I'm weird in some sense. I am mostly depressed and bad as a person but also i can be very happy with little things. How the stars and moon look at night... From looking at the clouds and finding it absolutely stunning... Seeing a little child and smiling... Adoring a dog from afar, smiling... Getting some pens and notebooks, extremely happy... And yet i am depressed most of the time. How do i manage this? How do i seem like the happiest person or most appreciative person and yet still be depressed? Its really odd when you think about it.

Having a PS4 helped managing a lot though. I play Overwatch, its a great game. I post some little stuff on youtube as well. (latest: https://youtu.be/-ljFLYXq0WI for curious fellas, i think you can find other videos from that link as well) Its fun and it helps me get on with time without being upset all day. You can even meet people. Funny how some people scream and yell...

I'm holding on. I'm doing better. And i will try to keep that up. Keep going on...

New Year?

New year, 2017,

I do not want to cry and be depressed and sleep all day this year. I want to be happy and do things and have passion about the things i do.
Sadly i dont know how to do that. I dont know where to start or even what to do... When it comes to doing things.

Christmas holiday was a vacation for me. I both dont want it to end because i know whats waiting for me.. Along with exams... and I want it to end and I wanna get on with life again. And yet again unfortunately i dont have the passion or interest about the things i do anymore. Every day is the same as other. I hope to be okay when i am focused on my internship for one month or so but still, till then... And about the exams i will have, i have doubts and anxiety. Because i wasnt really able to function well last couple of months. It has been a downhill in some way but yes i feel like its gonna go up from now on, no i dont have hope but i just feel that way. Since i feel like it was the deepest point that i could be last couple of months. I hope i am right.

I am looking forward to living with my parents for a while again. Its not gonna be amazing but being busy and surrounded with them, i think it will help. I hope so. I missed my friends a lot. I missed meeting them and chatting and laughing uncontrollably. I just missed hanging around. Out and about. Hopefully i will soon, again.

But i also fear things. In my home country... Lets say its not going nicely. And i certainly dont want to be trapped in there. Or worse...

Anyway, i think its all for now. And i need to have dinner.

battle in mind

so, I have been getting through hard times lately. not necessarily very bad things but every person has their own demise in mind. i have been very stressed and unhappy for a while. then i was happy, it was a waiting period. for that period i was happy because i didnt have to think about everything. i didnt have to be tired and i didnt have to worry. i was just waiting.
there are some decisions in life that you need to make and you would know it will change things around. you wouldnt be sure if its gonna be better or worse, you worry what future will bring. even though you worry, you would have hope about future. you may even imagine happiness.
well i lost that hope. every time i want something in my life, it just doesnt happen. maybe its better this way, i dont know what my future has for me, and definitely not what would happen if those things happened. as we know its a wave effect. one thing changed, changes the following events. but i was just hoping to be more happy with that thing. when you calculated the odds, it seemed better. i just was hoping.
its not even my fault but i am the one victim. its just a bit my fault because i could have gone after it more but it seemed normal at the time to let things work and get things processed. maybe i should've asked earlier. but its not my fault and now i am stuck and my life will be in this certain way. i have serious doubts about being happy and even content. but i'll try to be because thats what humans do right? live. as simple as that.
i feel like everyone is happy but me. everyone has what they've hoped for in life and/or they are content with what they currently have. am i not a normal person? is something wrong with me? because i have serious trouble with life and being happy.
i'm grateful for what i have. but it just doesnt do it for me. it shouldnt be how it is. i know there are worse things. but my life is my life and its passing. i cant do anything about it. but i just wanna live my life happily. is that too much to ask? i am just so tired of these questions and thoughts. i'm really tired.

It is sad that sometimes we need to hide things from people. For a lot of different reasons we need to do that sometimes. But it's really bad to feel like that. Not being able to talk or write or publish or share anything freely. I'd like to talk more about certain things but there is a chance that some certain people might find out about this blog so i can't. I am never free. Even though it seems like so.

Another thing i realized these days. Something changed. I lost something but i am not sure what. And i realize that no matter how many people i am surrounded by, i am alone. Always. Even when i am with the closest people to me, friends, family. I am always alone and i can't solve that. At least i am failing till now. I am just not able to beat that. Maybe i'll let you know if i figure it out or if i stop it somehow in the future.

That's all for now. Just a little update. Take care till next time.

My deep sadness/Loss of Anton Yelchin

I have loved Star Trek movies. And he played one of my favorite characters, Chekov. After we left the cinema after the first movie, i kept roleplaying Chekov and he was my background on my phone for a solid couple of months. I cant explain the level of grief i feel right now. He was so young, 27. And i am not an expert of course but he was a really good actor. Not only in Star Trek but in other movies of him that I've watched. It is truly a sad incident. I am yet not sure of how it happened but it was actually an accident i believe. I can't imagine the emotions of his co-actors. You will be remembered little man. I will always remember you as Chekov and keep saying "Chekov can do zat!" Will see you one last time in action in Star Trek Beyond. I'm going to be waiting for it more now.

Rest In Peace... Anton Yelchin..
It was too early.. We have lost too many this year, you shouldn't have been one too...

Edit:I have watched Star Trek Beyond. It was both sentimental and exciting. I recommend all people to go see it and enjoy it fully. And for those who dont know/watch Star Trek, you should. (21.08.2016 5:11 PM)