I am tired of talking to other people instead of you.
Tired of trying to replace you for some time.
I am tired.

Love

You are the purest wish
Wanting you doesnt hurt
You not being here hurts
You not being able to come
When i need
When i want you
Hurts

Whatever you do
Either you make me fly
Like a cloud
So peaceful and happy
Or you make me ache
Even if its a little thing
Because even little pieces
Of the brokenness
Can hurt baby

I know
Its not easy
Having the most fragile thing
I own
Thats why even little things
Can hurt, because its so delicate
It needs care
Sometimes you forget that
But you will learn
We will grow and come out
Of this
Together
Because you know why?
You love me
I love you
As not in words
But also in a reality
That i know exist but i cant show
I cant explain

After a long time...

Hello fellas,

I have something big to tell actually. I have been really busy.

Yeah, so, i am living in Germany now. I am really happy about living here. When i take the metro or bus in the mornings, i always think "i am happy". Like the road fills me with joy, not sure why. Well, they are just vehicles and here's just a city, but makes me happy. I guess that's a good thing.

Anyway, days pass, i go to uni and hang out in general. These are my days... Sometimes happy, sometimes sad...

Also really sad about the things going on around the world. Just why? Why do people do horrible things? I wish we all thought the same or at least had the same moral understanding. It's just unbelievable, horrible, sick, evil...

------------

I thought about my blog, like i totally forgot about it, but i thought about it now because i have been looking at the mirror and thinking "I dont even look like myself, am i?" And that made me want to write as always. The best way to get your thoughts out there. To express. I love writing, noone can judge, noone can answer back, because these are just your opinions on a paper, or on a screen in my case. Well of course some may judge but, not like the way when your friend or family judges you. Actually there is a difference between judging and expressing your counter opinion. And most of the people can't tell the difference. That's why...

------------

I dont even look like myself
Am i?
Did i change?
Of course i did
But in a good way
I know
I hope

I am me
I know i am
As always
How i was
How i am
How i will be
There is just a lot unknown
About me
My thoughts
Yes i was different
But i had a mask
Now i am
I am.
Me
How i want to be
How i want to live
How i,
How i want to,
Want to.
My self.
My choices
My free will
Don't you get that?
I am me
Just the me you have never seen before
The me i have been
The me hiding

Still thinking the same way
Still same inside
Just the eyes changed
The eyes that i see from
And the eyes that see me
I know hard to change a mind
Just try and that's, for me, enough.

...

Maybe i f'ing want to go with you.
Be with you.
Even if we are living in a dumpster.

Maybe i cant bear the fact you are still having memories that doesnt include me.
The fact that you are happy without me too.
That you are having fun without me.
When all i do is, try to pass my time, waste it.
That i just live.

Not enjoying the things i did before.
Not being able to have fun.
Being constantly bored.
Feeling stuck.

I dont know.
I dont know anything.
Not how to change this.
Not how to be like i was before.
I dont know.

Tonight(for me)
I couldn't sleep. Like i'm not sleepy at all, so what better way to spend this time than writing a blogpost.

First of all, hey, how's it goin'? Well, i'm fine, thanks for asking.

Just little things... I dont know why i'm moody like this. I can be super happy a full day then sad for a couple of hours. Then miserable for another day, then happy again. I dont know why i'm like that, really. Is it just me? Please tell me it's not.

I dont know if its because i expect things or i am afraid. Probably both, because they are related somehow. I know i overthink most of the stuff. That is a bad thing that i do and that i cant stop myself from doing. I try to reduce it, i have been successful about that. I think i'm doing better, not overthinking too much. But i still do it.

I say "just live your life for god's sake, just pass the time, you were perfectly fine, why arent you right now?" to myself. I cant seem to stop my brain from working.

But i think, it's because i'm afraid. I'm afraid that i will be so vulnerable that i wont be able to retrieve myself if something happened. I'm afraid that it wont be equally felt. I'm afraid that it passes away. I'm afraid that i get caught up in this and will be heartbroken. Because isnt that how it works? I dont know. I've never experienced.
I feel like i put the thing that needed to be protected at all costs, defenseless to a place that anything could happen, just like that.

Yes. I am afraid.

But i wont be wasting and passing my days like this because of that. Instead, i could be happy, because of various reasons. So many reasons. I am happy in general. Just sometimes... I'm scared.

Me, writing these here is also putting myself out there, shieldless. I dont know if i freak "someone" out too, by thinking these and feeling like this. I dont know how "someone" will think, feel about this. How "someone" will react. Am i too emotional or what am i? I dont know.

I was always like this. About little things as well. I think about some stuff now but i need to be thinking about them later actually. There's no point of me thinking about them right now, other than them making me sad or nervous or miserable.(i was like that about exams too) But one can not stop oneself from feeling things, and i also cant stop myself from thinking as i said. Maybe i have too much me time. I am usually alone.

Anyway. It got really bitter, that wasnt intended. I was just passing my time. But at least it is written now, it counts as its out of my system.

Have a nice time, you, whoever is reading this. Take care.

I don't feel like finding a title for this, just enjoy.

Hello people of internet,
I salute you brothers&sisters.

I have been listening to music, lately a lot. Every night starting after dinner, till i sleep(which is like 2-3 a.m.) I have a really bad sleeping schedule but well, that happens sometimes. We all have that problem, don't we? Anyway, i want to share some of my favorites right now. I have a messy music taste, so i usually listen to all genres, i can't pick one, when somebody asks 'What do you like?' I'll be just like "ummm i don't know, tell me songs or artists, i'll tell if i know/like them? :) ) This usually leads to a long conversation, which i don't really mind.

1.

I don't usually listen to this type, like 'on the rise', good looking, young, talented boy music. But i came across this on a playlist on Spotify. I enjoyed it without knowing. So here is one, i recently downloaded to my phone.

2.

I didn't watch the movie, i'm sure it is good. I like cars but i haven't watched all movies in this series. My favorite is Tokyo Drift.(even though, yes Paul Walker isn't in it) And even though i wasn't really attached to him and didn't see the film, this song breaks my heart. And i was really upset about his loss. Then also i saw this post somewhere.






I got even more emotional. Rest in peace you wonderful man.






And i think, his brothers did an amazing thing by completing the movie themselves.

3.

 This song is  fun to watch, fun to listen to, fun to sing. I have been obsessed since i heard it on tv. I really enjoy the rhythm and the music video. I hope you do too, stranger.

4.

I love German. And i'm into Robin Schulz's remixes these days. So this is perfect. And i also like:

   (bonus)

This song should get the "most random song" award. Just look at the lyrics. Well it could be a perfect demonstration of being high, i wouldn't know. I just enjoy the song.

5.

And the last one i'm gonna share. I knew this song before, like i heard/listened to it before somewhere, some time, but i didn't know the name and artist. Again thanks to the Spotify playlist, now i can't stop playing and listening to it.

And i think this is the longest song i listen to. Because i usually skip to the next song after some time. But i listen to this from the begining to the end.


I hope you enjoy all these too and i hope i added some pleasantness to your life. Have a good day. Good bye for now. See you later.

A little update

Hello,

Just a little update of my life. I know i haven't been writing. And i'm terribly sorry about that, but i had stuff to do i guess, i don't really remember. I'm sorry, not just apologizing but also i'm sorry that i'm not capable of running a blog regularly. I wanted this to work but apparently i'm not qualified.

Anyway, back to the subject.
I just wanted to tell that i'm happy. Of course i get stressed over little things. I'm a student after all and i have exams. I used to be more chill about exams, now they kind of make me have anxiety attacks but i'll be fine. Everybody is going through something, probably worse things happen to people. It's unnecessary to feel like that when you have little obstacles in life. I can't help feeling anxious but I'm just grateful that i'm happy in general now.

My life changed in a positive way one and a half months ago. Thanks to internet. Not gonna write what happened, but i'm glad it happened.

Also i'm going to Hamburg to learn German in a language school. I'll be there for 3 months and i haven't been alone before, so it's a new experience for me. I'm mostly excited but a little bit terrified. Like a normal person would be.

What else.. Oh, brace yourselves, finals are coming. I hope i don't fail at any of my lectures. It won't screw up the summer plans but i'd rather not take the makeups. (they'll probably be harder than regular exams) Anyway, like i said it's a little update.

I hope everyone is good. Almost everyone deserves to be happy. See you later, not giving any dates, i know i won't make it. Till next time...