...

Maybe i f'ing want to go with you.
Be with you.
Even if we are living in a dumpster.

Maybe i cant bear the fact you are still having memories that doesnt include me.
The fact that you are happy without me too.
That you are having fun without me.
When all i do is, try to pass my time, waste it.
That i just live.

Not enjoying the things i did before.
Not being able to have fun.
Being constantly bored.
Feeling stuck.

I dont know.
I dont know anything.
Not how to change this.
Not how to be like i was before.
I dont know.

Tonight(for me)
I couldn't sleep. Like i'm not sleepy at all, so what better way to spend this time than writing a blogpost.

First of all, hey, how's it goin'? Well, i'm fine, thanks for asking.

Just little things... I dont know why i'm moody like this. I can be super happy a full day then sad for a couple of hours. Then miserable for another day, then happy again. I dont know why i'm like that, really. Is it just me? Please tell me it's not.

I dont know if its because i expect things or i am afraid. Probably both, because they are related somehow. I know i overthink most of the stuff. That is a bad thing that i do and that i cant stop myself from doing. I try to reduce it, i have been successful about that. I think i'm doing better, not overthinking too much. But i still do it.

I say "just live your life for god's sake, just pass the time, you were perfectly fine, why arent you right now?" to myself. I cant seem to stop my brain from working.

But i think, it's because i'm afraid. I'm afraid that i will be so vulnerable that i wont be able to retrieve myself if something happened. I'm afraid that it wont be equally felt. I'm afraid that it passes away. I'm afraid that i get caught up in this and will be heartbroken. Because isnt that how it works? I dont know. I've never experienced.
I feel like i put the thing that needed to be protected at all costs, defenseless to a place that anything could happen, just like that.

Yes. I am afraid.

But i wont be wasting and passing my days like this because of that. Instead, i could be happy, because of various reasons. So many reasons. I am happy in general. Just sometimes... I'm scared.

Me, writing these here is also putting myself out there, shieldless. I dont know if i freak "someone" out too, by thinking these and feeling like this. I dont know how "someone" will think, feel about this. How "someone" will react. Am i too emotional or what am i? I dont know.

I was always like this. About little things as well. I think about some stuff now but i need to be thinking about them later actually. There's no point of me thinking about them right now, other than them making me sad or nervous or miserable.(i was like that about exams too) But one can not stop oneself from feeling things, and i also cant stop myself from thinking as i said. Maybe i have too much me time. I am usually alone.

Anyway. It got really bitter, that wasnt intended. I was just passing my time. But at least it is written now, it counts as its out of my system.

Have a nice time, you, whoever is reading this. Take care.

I don't feel like finding a title for this, just enjoy.

Hello people of internet,
I salute you brothers&sisters.

I have been listening to music, lately a lot. Every night starting after dinner, till i sleep(which is like 2-3 a.m.) I have a really bad sleeping schedule but well, that happens sometimes. We all have that problem, don't we? Anyway, i want to share some of my favorites right now. I have a messy music taste, so i usually listen to all genres, i can't pick one, when somebody asks 'What do you like?' I'll be just like "ummm i don't know, tell me songs or artists, i'll tell if i know/like them? :) ) This usually leads to a long conversation, which i don't really mind.

1.

I don't usually listen to this type, like 'on the rise', good looking, young, talented boy music. But i came across this on a playlist on Spotify. I enjoyed it without knowing. So here is one, i recently downloaded to my phone.

2.

I didn't watch the movie, i'm sure it is good. I like cars but i haven't watched all movies in this series. My favorite is Tokyo Drift.(even though, yes Paul Walker isn't in it) And even though i wasn't really attached to him and didn't see the film, this song breaks my heart. And i was really upset about his loss. Then also i saw this post somewhere.






I got even more emotional. Rest in peace you wonderful man.






And i think, his brothers did an amazing thing by completing the movie themselves.

3.

 This song is  fun to watch, fun to listen to, fun to sing. I have been obsessed since i heard it on tv. I really enjoy the rhythm and the music video. I hope you do too, stranger.

4.

I love German. And i'm into Robin Schulz's remixes these days. So this is perfect. And i also like:

   (bonus)

This song should get the "most random song" award. Just look at the lyrics. Well it could be a perfect demonstration of being high, i wouldn't know. I just enjoy the song.

5.

And the last one i'm gonna share. I knew this song before, like i heard/listened to it before somewhere, some time, but i didn't know the name and artist. Again thanks to the Spotify playlist, now i can't stop playing and listening to it.

And i think this is the longest song i listen to. Because i usually skip to the next song after some time. But i listen to this from the begining to the end.


I hope you enjoy all these too and i hope i added some pleasantness to your life. Have a good day. Good bye for now. See you later.

A little update

Hello,

Just a little update of my life. I know i haven't been writing. And i'm terribly sorry about that, but i had stuff to do i guess, i don't really remember. I'm sorry, not just apologizing but also i'm sorry that i'm not capable of running a blog regularly. I wanted this to work but apparently i'm not qualified.

Anyway, back to the subject.
I just wanted to tell that i'm happy. Of course i get stressed over little things. I'm a student after all and i have exams. I used to be more chill about exams, now they kind of make me have anxiety attacks but i'll be fine. Everybody is going through something, probably worse things happen to people. It's unnecessary to feel like that when you have little obstacles in life. I can't help feeling anxious but I'm just grateful that i'm happy in general now.

My life changed in a positive way one and a half months ago. Thanks to internet. Not gonna write what happened, but i'm glad it happened.

Also i'm going to Hamburg to learn German in a language school. I'll be there for 3 months and i haven't been alone before, so it's a new experience for me. I'm mostly excited but a little bit terrified. Like a normal person would be.

What else.. Oh, brace yourselves, finals are coming. I hope i don't fail at any of my lectures. It won't screw up the summer plans but i'd rather not take the makeups. (they'll probably be harder than regular exams) Anyway, like i said it's a little update.

I hope everyone is good. Almost everyone deserves to be happy. See you later, not giving any dates, i know i won't make it. Till next time...

Monthly Favourites / January

Hellooooo,
How have you been? I was fine, i guess, thanks for asking.
I had exams, and make-ups of those exams, woops, so i couldn't post that much. But here's my monthly favourites. Things i loved this month, and by that i mean obsessed with.

Book: Death Becomes Her by Kelly Keaton

I really liked the book, it was full of surprises and imagination. If you like supernatural beings, mystery and gods/goddesses, take a look at it, i'm quite sure you'll like it. Even though it was written for aiming teenagers i really liked the storyline as a young adult.

Series: Once Upon A Time

I wanted to start this series for a loooong time and this month i managed to actually start. And i wasn't disappointed at all. I love Princess/Prince stories but this is something else. Yes, it has lots of stories like that but if you watch just the first episode you'll see what i mean, and you'll probably be hooked already. I'm still watching the first season though.

App: Youtube 

You all know i'm obsessed with youtube and watch it a lot. No need to comment on this.

And speaking of that;

Youtuber: Pewdiepie (Felix Arvid Ulf Kjellberg)

I love Felix. But this month he was extra funny and entertaining. I know he screams too much, and it's kind one of the reasons why he is so popular, but if you watch like 2-3 videos you'll get used to it, love him and laugh your *ss off. His rage videos will be the noisiest but funniest. This month he was really good.

Yet, he couldn't be in the best videos category;

Best Youtube Videos:

3rd: EXTREME MAKEOVER DIL’S HOME EDITION - Dan and Phil Play: Sims 4 #13 by DanAndPhilGAMES

This was so entertaining in soooo many ways. I love Sims, that's one reason. I love Dan and Phil second reason. It was so funny, third reason. You'll see what i mean if you watch.

2nd: Random Commercial Challenge by GMM

It looks a bit weird in the thumbnail but it was sooo funny. And it won the 2nd prize.

Now the ultimate winner.

1st: January by Jack Howard

Even though it was posted in the last days of January, it got the 1st place. Because it was funny but mostly sincere and full of life. I felt so warm inside while watching the last minutes. You'll see that they're celebrating Charlotte's birthday, the presentation of it though, it got me. Also it is called JackPMS and it was going on twitter for some time now, i think people who saw the hashtag JackPMS was very confused.

Song: Elastic Heart by Sia

I am obsessed with this song since i first heard and watch it. Maddie is really a talented dancer. And Shia Labeouf is a great actor, also a great dancer in this video. About the fuss giong on, it didn't cross my mind even a for a little that this music video shows or triggers pedophilia or pedophilic thoughts. I didn't understand anything of course, i'm not into dance choreography. But then at some point i cleary saw that this is a father/daughter moment. But when i did my research i learned that Shia and Maddie are both supposed to be Sia but in different parts of her life. But the choreography has traces of family matters. People just saw the materialistic/physical part of the video and thought "oh a guy who is dancing with a younger girl" Open your eyes and minds people, it's not about physicality, it's spiritual.

Last two favourites are my stuff. One of them is a notepad/mousepad and i really liked the look of it. Other one is a fragrance. My father went to Italy for business and he got me a perfume on the way back. I was not that obsessed with it at first but then, after using it a few times, i really liked the scent. Also i really liked the case of it, the bright pink is beautiful. (Even though i'm not a pinky pink person.)

That's all. Have a nice February, people.(and don't care if you haven't got a Valentine, you're wonderful on your own, just let it roll off ) See you later.

My Addiction

Today i want to confess something to the world. I know this myself but now i'll let everyone know it. I am addicted to Youtube.
I know there are people like me (right?). I know 'screens' are kind of our generation's addiction/obsession. But my addiction/love for Youtube is something beyond those.

I just love watching Felix (pewdiepie) being silly or scared and always funny. I love watching Zoe(zoella) and Alfie(pointlessblog) playing Sims. -since i love playing Sims myself i love watching them more- I love Marzia,Tanya talking about beauty stuff or just random things. I love watching Dan(danisnotonfire) and Phil(amazingphil) doing or talking about funny and awkward things. My first was Charlie McDonnell(charlieissocoollike), i was introduced by a friend. And that was the beginning of a lot more Youtubers(Chai,Tyler,Joey,Troye,Ray,FineBros...) and my addiction. And also i know it is kind of an escape from reality for me along with spending/wasting time. I also kind of learnt how to do makeup from Zoe or at least get into it. Because i was so lazy that i won't go to get water even if i'm dying from thirst. Soooo, yeah, there's that.

Anyway, i was talking about watching videos. When i watch Marzia, Zoe, Kalel; i instanly want to wear cute clothes and wear makeup. They make me want to be pretty even though i'll just be at home, chillin' and watching things, of course.
Youtube provides me to see the games that i can't play. I just watch a gamer play it and explore the game with him/her. I usually watch Cry and Pewdiepie play. They are both awesome. Actually Pewds is fab.

FineBros are two adorable brothers that do react videos, little sketch videos series. But i love their react videos. They sometimes have nostalgia, sometimes epicality (maybe i created a word), but always fun. They started a new channel named REACT and i'm sooo happy about it.

I.Just.Love.Youtube. I don't know what i did before it or what i'd do without it.

P.S.: Also people say bad things about internet. If you use it right, you'll find a family that understands you fully. And be encouraged. Because no matter what, no matter how much hatred is in it, there is lots of love. Seriously. You'll see more people sending love and support from their screens even if they didn't even talked you once or don't know anything about you or haven't seen your face. Believe me. I found support and love in internet. I hope you do, too.

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